Beaver Beer Company
Westport, Contract Brewed at Paper City Brewery, Holyoke, MA
2016 Update: With no evidence to the contrary, I’m calling Beaver Beer dead and gone.
Ugh. There are a lot of corny companies in the beer world. Playing up sexy and sexist themes is par for the course. Bros high-fiving bros over Naughty Nurses and blonde Hookers is a daily occurrence in Connecticut. It’s just the way it is.
But there’s a limit, y’know? And if you haven’t already figured it out, Beaver Beer has reached – and surpassed it. For me anyway. Would you believe the three guys behind Beaver Beer all come from careers in marketing? And that they are all older white dudes over 60? Shocking, I know.
The last time making beaver puns was cool was when Kurt Vonnegut did it in Breakfast of Champions. In 1973. When I was one.
The three guys behind Beaver Beer go for it from the get go. If you didn’t notice, look again at their beaver picture above. Was the positioning of the birch tree too subtle for you to notice? That’s just the beginning. Their inaugural line up of three beers are cheekily named for types of women, objectified by their hair color. Of course, the inference is to their pubic hair color because that’s what old marketing dudes think is clever.
It should be noted that they copyrighted the name Beaver Beer fifteen years ago, 13 years before they decided to shell out some dough and use someone else’s recipes and someone else’s brewery to create their product.
There is also a Big Beaver Brewing Company in Colorado, Belching Beaver Brewery in California and Beaver Brewing Company in Pennsylvania. By the way, Beaver College in PA changed their name to Arcadia University in 2001. Why? Because it was tired of being mocked as a college named after a vagina, that’s why.
Okay, so back to our three wealthy amigos down in Westport. (Actually, one partner lives in Florida, but whatever.) Handsome fellows. They had a (marketing) vision and set about to make it a reality. There is some mild controversy on how they ended up with their recipes… I have heard and read online comments in a few places that they “stole” their recipes from Southport Brewing Company. I am NOT suggesting they did and I don’t know why this rumor persists. Maybe they bought out the brewer there or something? I don’t know.
But they contract up at Paper City in Holyoke, MA – yet love to tout how they are local to the Fairfield County area. I don’t give a crap if you contract brew, but if you are merely a marketing gimmick (BEAVER!) marketing yourselves as some sort of “fresh, local brewery” then I will mock you. At least the Beaver boys aren’t pretending that they really, really want to have their own brewery, blah blah blah like some the other similar businesses do.
The Beaver hounds have dreams. Huge, massive, insane dreams. “Their goal is to sell 2 million cases a year nationwide” according to the Connecticut Post article I gleaned some of my facts – and the picture above – from.
Oh, youuuuu guys. You slay me. Here is what marketing guys do as retirement approaches (from their site):
The Legend of Beaver Beer
Three of us, having a few cold ones while camping at a lake, became inspired to create the perfect craft beer. Impressed by the hard-working, hard-playing nature of nearby beavers we decided to celebrate those attributes by naming our brew “Beaver Beer”.
The set up. Nice work, here. You see what they did here? They crafted the lame backstory about how this is all about the dam-building mammal, and not at all about vaginas.
Back at the brewery we challenged our brewmaster to use his many years of experience to create his masterpiece… but we each preferred a different style.
“Back at the brewery?” See, that’s the stuff that bothers me. There is no brewery, dude. And if it’s true that these are just stolen SBC beers, then that’s just really lame.
The result; three dam fine tasting Beavers! Blonde (a gorgeous pale ale); Brewnette (a silky smooth Amber Lager); and Big Red (a frolicksome, heady IPA). Try all three Beavers for the perfect ménage à trois of tastes!
Bada Bing! Boom! Marketing at its finest.
If you read the linked article above, you’ll see that they are very keen on people being interested in this beer because of the wink-winkiness of their names. It appears, even to the owners, that the beer itself is secondary.
This isn’t unique to Beaver, of course, and I don’t mean to pretend otherwise. Maybe the beer is good? Paper City contracts get a bad rap, but I’ve found a couple I like. And while Beaver seems content with their three flagship brews, they have been hinting at a canned Kolsch.
Perhaps the hold-up on that is the lack of Kolsch/vagina puns.